Greg Ryan & Associates, Attorneys at Law, LLLC

Moving to a New Location

2011-03-29T14:04:00.002-10:00

We are very excited to announce that we are moving from to a new location because we have outgrown our existing offices. We are moving to a larger office suite located at the following address: Pauahi Tower 1003 Bishop Street, Suite 1110 Honolulu, HI 96813. Our contact phone number remains (808) 352-4917, and our e-fax number remains (866) 268-9207. Please feel free to stop by to visit us at our new location!

Supreme Court Justice Alito to Visit Hawaii

2011-01-21T13:20:00.001-10:00

Members of the public are invited to hear U.S. Supreme Court Associate Justice Samuel Alito Jr. address the Hawaii State Bar on January 26 from 4:30 p.m. to 5:30 p.m. His presentation on the "Top Things You May Not Know About the U.S. Supreme Court" will be held at the Hawaii Supreme Court Courtroom at 417 South King Street.

Justice Alito is this year's William S. Richardson School of Law's Jurist in Residence. The program, instituted in 1987, enables University of Hawaii law students and the community to exchange ideas with the country’s leading jurists.

Hawaii Supreme Court's Newest Chief Justice

2010-09-16T10:12:00.002-10:00

The Hawaii State Senate unanimously confirmed the nomination of Mark E. Recktenwald for Chief Justice.

Justice Recktenwald succeeds Chief Justice Ronald T.Y. Moon to become Hawaii’s fifth Chief Justice. He will serve an initial 10-year term as the head of the State’s highest court, while overseeing the Hawaii State Judiciary.

Recktenwald joined the Supreme Court last May when Governor Lingle appointed him to replace retired Associate Justice Steven Levinson.

Hawaii Legislature Approves Civil Unions - New Family Law Issues in the Making

2010-04-30T09:01:00.002-10:00

In a dramatic last-minute reversal yesterday, the state Legislature sent Governor Linda Lingle a bill legalizing civil unions between any two consenting adults (whether same-sex or not).

House Bill 444 allows any adult couple the same rights and benefits the state provides to those who marry. If the Governor signs the measure, Hawaii would be one of six states giving all the rights of marriage to consenting adults, including same-sex couples, but without calling it marriage. She has not indicated whether she will sign or veto the legislation.

The House vote came yesterday evening after an afternoon spent in caucus and marked with procedural votes that showed supporters had a 31-vote majority with 20 opposed. Thirty-four votes are needed to override a veto.

Island faith leaders reacted to the bill's passage with jubilation or dismay, reflecting conflicting religious beliefs that have heated political dialogue on gay rights for decades. The Rev. Marc Alexander, vicar general of the Catholic diocese, said, "We are disappointed, and we hope and pray the governor will veto the bill, both because of the content—which is marriage in disguise—and because it is poor legislation."

The Rev. John Heidel, president of the Interfaith Alliance of Hawaii, said, "We have a great sense of relief and happiness for all of those people in our community who, in the past, have been denied their civil rights and who can now enjoy full benefits of citizenship."

Catholic Bishop Larry Silva sent lawmakers a letter earlier commending them for not passing the bill and emphasizing the importance of marriage as a union between a man and a woman as "a human institution that goes beyond all religious affiliations."

Legislative opponents from the first vote warned yesterday that even taking the bill up again was political suicide. "This is unfair and untimely," said Rep. Gene Ward (R, Hawaii Kai), who voted against the bill. "This is going to cause chaos in the community."

Now the bill's fate lies with Lingle, who was en route home from California last night.
The measure has a convoluted history. On the final day of the Legislature last year, the bill was pulled from a deadlocked Senate Judiciary Committee, then it was amended, meaning it could not pass in the time allotted. But in January the Senate passed the bill 18-7. The House then postponed a decision "indefinitely" on a controversial voice vote, ordered by House Speaker Calvin Say. The essentially anonymous vote caused both opponents and supporters to criticize Say for hiding the vote. Yesterday's action was seen as a reversal.

"We are supposed to do what is right instead of worrying about re-election," said Sen. Michelle Kidani (D, Mililani-Waipio). But there are likely to be political repercussions. Kidani acknowledged that campaigning this year "will be more difficult."

Father Faces Jail Time for Taking Daughter to Church

2010-02-28T22:24:00.001-10:00

A Chicago man who defied a court order and took his toddler to a Catholic Church service was arraigned today on a charge of indirect criminal contempt in a custody battle that is threatening to put him in jail and draw new boundaries in divorce cases.

Joseph Reyes pleaded not guilty for allegedly violating a court order issued by Chicago family law Judge Edward R. Jordan who had barred Reyes from taking his 3-year-old daughter to church following a dispute over religion with his estranged wife. Reyes' wife, Rebecca Reyes, is Jewish. If found guilty of indirect criminal contempt, Reyes could be sentenced to up to six months in jail. The next court date is on March 3, when Reyes is expected to file a motion to dismiss all charges against him.

In a statement issued after the hearing, Reyes said, "There's a strong possibility I could end up in jail. It's really sad it's come to this."

Reyes and his wife are in a bitter divorce battle, and the question of what faith their child should be raised in is pushing the boundaries of child custody arrangements. Reyes' decision to baptize his daughter without his wife's permission resulted in what some are calling an extraordinary court order: Jordan in the Circuit Court of Cook County, Ill., imposed a 30-day restraining order forbidding Joseph Reyes from, according to the document, "exposing his daughter to any other religion than the Jewish religion. …"

The couple married in 2004. Joseph Reyes was Catholic, but he converted to Judaism to please his in-laws. He has said the decision wasn't "voluntary." Despite his conversion, Reyes, 35, said he never stopped practicing Catholicism. When the marriage fell apart, Rebecca Reyes, 34, got custody of their daughter. The girl, now 3, has been raised Jewish and attended a Jewish preschool.

Her father decided to baptize his daughter without consulting his wife. Joseph Reyes sent his wife pictures and an e-mail documenting the occasion. Rebecca Reyes responded by filing for the temporary restraining order, which the judge granted.

"Number one, it wasn't just a religious thing per se, it was the idea that he would suddenly, out of nowhere without any discussion … have the girl baptized," Lake said. "She looked at it as basically an assault on her little girl." Furthermore, Joseph Reyes had never been a particularly devout Christian, Lake added.

When the girl's father took her to church again in violation of the order, he called the media to witness the event. A court could rule today on whether Reyes should be jailed for criminal contempt, but he contends he did nothing wrong.

"Going to church, I don't think I violated the order," he said. "In terms of Judaism, based on the information I was given, Catholicism falls right under the umbrella of Judaism."

What Are Pre-Marital Agreements?

2010-01-08T08:39:00.003-10:00

Before getting married, many couples are now choosing to enter into premarital agreements. Premarital agreements, also known as pre-nuptial or ante-nuptial agreements, were once reserved for Hollywood stars or celebrities. However, over the last decade, it has become more and more common for a spouse to sign a premarital contract with his or her future spouse.

Most people believe that premarital agreements are only meant to allow both parties to keep their own assets if the marriage fails. However, a premarital agreement can also provide children the right to receive the assets, or a large part of them, if both parents pass away. One of the main purposes of a premarital agreement is to work out all of the divorce details rather than leave these potential issues unresolved.

The increasing number of premarital agreements can be seen as an indicator that couples acknowledge their marriage has a fifty percent chance of ending up in divorce and prefer to reach an agreement prior to marriage in order to prevent future disputes.

A premarital agreement must contain a thorough written disclosure of both parties' assets and liabilities brought into the marriage. Additionally, the agreement must stipulate how earnings during the marriage will be shared in case of divorce. Eventually, the parties should be given enough time to thoroughly review the agreement; to allow time for review, couples are seeking more advice about premarital agreements and are discussing possible agreements well in advance of the wedding.

If you decide to enter a premarital agreement with your future spouse, you should consult an attorney. In Hawaii, premarital agreements are enforceable only if they adhere to state law.

Deciding to Divorce

2009-11-11T10:24:00.002-10:00

This most intense, often heart-wrenching decision comes at the start: Should you get divorced?

Much has led up to this question, including the notions of separation and divorce. Until now, they have only been thoughts and words, with no immediate consequences. Now that you realize the time to decide has come, you have to contemplate taking action. The focus on action clarifies the situation, but also makes it seem more difficult and scary. Any number of scenarios might lead to the end of a marriage. Sometimes there's no choice; it's your spouse who crosses the line. Often an affair ends a marriage. Other times physical abuse occurs, and the marriage becomes dangerous and intolerable. Circumstances like these leave little choice in the matter. A divorce becomes the only acceptable step.

However, many divorces arise out of situations that are far less cut-and-dried. You may find that your marriage has grown dull. Or maybe the emptiness is in a different area. You might feel restricted, and even suffocated in everything you do. Your soul mate is no longer your soul mate. Your lives have grown apart. In situations like these others may still see your marriage as ideal, but deep down you feel it is all pain and misery. This may be one-sided. One partner may think everything is fine, while the other only wants out. Or you may be gasping for breath, and not even knowing it.

If you come to the realization that your marriage is failing, should you get a divorce?

Before you take any steps toward divorce, you should contemplate where they might lead. Divorce is a painful, difficult choice. Ending a marriage is almost never easy, even when both sides agree that they no longer love each other. When one spouse still has deep feeling and the other doesn't, or when there is any sense of imbalance at all, whether it be emotional, financial, or professional. In most cases, you are ending a long relationship. There was love here once, and intensity. You are considering cutting the cord with someone who was the most important person in your life.

The presence of children only amplifies the problem. The younger the kids, the worse it can be. Most children cannot help but feel torn when parents separate.

Divorce is often a financial earthquake for both parties. The family home might be sold. Two households are set up, both having to accommodate the children. Unless both parties are rich, this will affect your family's standard of living.

Whether the problem is mental, spiritual, or a combination of factors, divorce is a step you should examine carefully. If there is no physical abuse in the picture, you may want to go to couple's counseling before making the final decision. Offer to go with your spouse to see a therapist. Put it in positive terms, and make it a wholehearted offer. If you don't think of it this way, counseling will have little chance of having any value. Your spouse may say no, but you will have tried.

If there is abuse, either physical or mental, couple's counseling is almost certainly not the right course. Spousal or child abuse should not be tolerated. If it happens you need to protect yourself. In such a case you should simply look for the quickest, safest way out. Appeal to friends and family or, if necessary, go to a shelter. Do whatever you must do to effectively separate yourself and your children from your spouse, then look for a lawyer.

The best scenario would be that you and your spouse, through attorneys or a mediator, are able to reach a fair settlement on all relevant issues, including the children and the division of marital assets and debts. Such a result will save on attorney's fees and will create the potential for a continued working relationship as parents after the divorce.

The Hawaii Family Court is Moving to Kapolei.

2009-10-15T21:15:00.003-10:00

From the Honolulu Advertiser, October 6, 2009

Nine O'ahu Family Court judges and their support staffs will be moved to the new $100 million Kapolei Family Court early next year. The project also includes a new juvenile detention facility to replace the undersized and aging detention home on Alder Street in Honolulu. The Judiciary plans to move the court and leave behind a "triage" judge assigned to work in Honolulu to hear emergency matters and process time-sensitive paperwork, including requests for restraining orders against violent household members.

Some local attorneys believe that the transfer of most or all of the Family Court services to Kapolei, due principally to transportation and other problems greatly exacerbated by a very bad economy, will gravely damage the ability of the Family Court to provide justice to the many, many thousands of Hawaii's families and children who are entitled to, and need, the protection of the Family Court.

The court handles divorces, child custody matters, restraining orders, juvenile and other family criminal proceedings, paternity disputes and a host of other issues involving the most sensitive and personal of legal problems.

Each year the Family Court serves over 200,000 parents, children and others. In the last fiscal year alone there were over 19,000 new filings in the Family Court. Nine Family Court judges on O'ahu handle more than 2,000 new cases each year, and every new case is important.

Critics say that transferring all that activity to one end of the island, without leaving resources closer to the center of Honolulu, will work a terrible hardship on families. "The real economic harm will be suffered by those unrepresented and by the less-established practitioners, whose clients may not have the same economic resources as ours do."

Chief Justice Ronald T. Moon explained the plans for the "triage" judge who stays in Honolulu to handle some Family Court functions are still "a work in progress." All Family Court judges will be in Kapolei, and early plans were to assign a lower court or part-time judge to the triage work. Budget restrictions "have complicated these plans," Moon said.

Document filings will be accepted in Honolulu for Family Court matters and a document "courier service" will be established between the old and new courts, he said. And two Honolulu courtrooms "will be upgraded with computer communication technology to facilitate video conferencing and video on-record appearances between Honolulu and Kapolei," he said.

Kids First, the family court's education program for divorcing parents and their children, will take place on alternating weeks at Kapolei and at the downtown Circuit Court complex, according to Moon. Now it is held Downtown every Wednesday afternoon.

Doctor Loses Stake in (Former) Kidney

2009-10-03T09:55:00.000-10:00

A court has rejected a New York surgeon's claim that he should get US$1.5 million in his divorce settlement because he donated a kidney to his wife Robert Batista made headlines in January 2009 when he held a news conference and demanded that his estranged wife either return the kidney or give him $ 1.5 million. Dr Batista claimed he was entitled to the compensation as his wife had denied him visits with their three children. In a 10-page ruling, the judge concluded that Dr Batista’s claim was without merit. The court ruled the kidney, which was donated in 2001, was a gift.

25 Secrets to a Happy Marriage, by Laurie Israel, Esq.

2009-08-31T23:58:00.004-10:00

As a practicing divorce attorney and divorce mediator, I've met a number of couples that, if they had been given some good advice (and had remembered that advice) a few years or even months earlier, they would not be divorcing. Consider the following:

1. Think before you speak. People in marriages tend to have very "hot" buttons causing frequent arguments. One reason for this is that the boundaries that exist at the workplace or with friends and relatives do not exist in a marriage. Much of marital bickering can be lessened or mitigated if you wait before you respond to something that has made you angry. If you think for even five seconds before you respond, the amount of marital bickering will be greatly reduced. It may be better to discuss the difficult issue on another day when the emotions are not so high. You can broach the topic (at that later time) by saying, "Dear, I have some unfinished business to discuss with you. May we discuss it now?"

2. Don't give up. If you ask any married person, he or she will tell you that marriages wax and wane. There are good times, bad times, and even middle times. A marriage is viable if the good outweighs the bad, even by a little bit. Appreciate the good and try to let the bad roll off of you like water from a duck. The more you stick to it, the easier it will get and the more fondness and connection you will feel towards your spouse. You will also feel good about yourself, because you worked very hard to achieve something of value.

3. Give your marriage as much (if not more) focused attention than you give your hobbies. People spend huge amounts of time, money and effort on their off-work interests. But when a marriage is making them feel bad, everybody seems to "throw up their arms" and decide that it's useless to try anymore. Actually, reading books on marriage, conflict resolution, and communication techniques will help your marriage. Getting your spouse to read them is even better, but not necessary, to being able to make huge positive changes in your marriage.

4. Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else. Did you ever hear the expression "familiarity breeds contempt"? This seems to apply in marriages. As a result, the unfortunate truth is that people tend to treat their spouses worse than strangers. An example of this is the all-too-common behavior of treating the spouse (sometimes ever so subtly) with contempt. Who is this person you are married to now? And who was that wonderful, beautiful perfect person you married so many years ago? Believe it or not, it's the same person. Remember those times and retrain yourself to view your spouse with the utmost respect and treat your spouse accordingly.

5. Have separate interests. Make sure you have some private space and give your spouse some too. Marriage entails a lot of togetherness, but just because you're married, you don't need to be joined at the hip. Make sure each of you has time away from the other with friends, family, or alone. Enjoy your separate interests. Having separate time and interests will help vitalize the marriage.

6. Foster and encourage your spouse's dreams and goals. In a successful marriage, one spouse is happy for the other spouse's successes. Good spouses foster the other in achieving their goals. Sometimes goals are scary and need to be carefully evaluated, such as a career change. Do the work together, so that each of you can become satisfied with your own life. Good spouses help each other make the most out of his or her life.

7. Find things you enjoy to do together. A marriage is a partnership. If you both have totally separate interests, you will eventually grow apart. Make time to pursue interests together. These leisure activities and interests will probably change over time. Find shared interests, pursuits, and enjoyment. But remember, you don't need to share all interests.

8. Don't think its greener on the other side. Most people who leave their marriages for someone else almost always find the same problems on the other side. Many realize where their first marriage went wrong, and how they (and their spouse) could have worked to fix it. With hindsight, many people regret not having worked things out in their first marriage. Remember, when you get divorced, you now have two problems - the problems in your marriage (that you did not solve) and the divorce.

9. Give each other a break. Don't be overcritical of your spouse. Don't carp all the time. The stark realization that comes after the wedding is that you are not the same person. But that's not a bad thing. Try to appreciate your differences. Admittedly, this is hard to do, but try. It's worth it.

10. Don't sweat the little things. As in the world of work, it is important to have priorities. Spouses get angry when criticized over every little thing. Try to prioritize the important things that you want. Carefully pick your battles. Let the other stuff slide. Don't be a nag and complain about every little thing. If you don't like something hold your tongue. Try to roll with the punches.

11. If your spouse loves something (like his/her mother, or football), try find out why, and you'll find you'll love it too. Give your spouse credence and respect your spouse's judgment, interests, affinities, and opinions. If your spouse is drawn to certain people or things, there is probably a good reason. Ask your spouse to explain. It might open up a new world to you.

12. Compliment your spouse every day, at least once. This leads towards a healthy relationship, and it is the right thing to do, because unless your spouse is a total slouch, he or she is doing many good things every day. Thank your spouse for all the wonderful things your spouse does for you and your family. Make sure your spouse knows that you appreciate his or her efforts.

13. Work hard with your spouse to create financial security. One of the beneficial effects of marriage is the creation of a strong economic joint venture. As your financial security builds up, it will be one of the things that allows you to feel good about each other and the world. It will also be a measure of the good work you've both done during your marriage. Financial security is a good thing and provides the foundation of a happy life.

14. Be your spouse's partner. Keep each other informed as to activities you are engaged in, including your work days and what you do at home. The time you spend separately outside in the world every day is very significant. Always talk to each other at the end of the day about how your respective days have been. Respect and show awareness of and curiosity about your spouse's separate interests.

15. Always assume the best of your spouse. People have misunderstandings and miscommunications. This is true even of people who know each other very well, such as spouses. If you spouse's actions displease you, wait a bit, and then try to find out the motivation. You might well find that the motivation was meant to be constructive and not negative, and that you may have made the wrong interpretation or assumptions about what had been said or done.

16. Give your spouse a treat occasionally. Spouses have different things that make them feel good. If you know something that your spouse likes, give it to them sometimes even if you don't care for it. It can be a small thing: a trip to the movies, a ride to a place your spouse likes to go, or maybe a favorite food bought from the grocery store. Be generous to your spouse, even if it is not in your nature.

17. Don't fight with your spouse about the kids. Disagreements about children can be very corrosive to a marriage. Have your discussions off-line so that your children do not know you disagree. Get professional help if needed as to how to coordinate and respect your different views. Don't let your disagreements about your children destroy your marriage.

18. Don't complain about your spouse to your friends and family. One complaint at a low time in your marriage will resonate with the listener long after the problem or the short-lived spat was resolved. Your family and friends will always see your spouse in the same bad light in which you saw your spouse during this period of conflict. If you need to talk with someone about your marriage, choose an independent professional.

19. Be faithful and do not have an affair. A couple that is unattractive (physically or otherwise) is actually really lucky in a marriage because outside forces will not be as strong. However, if you or your spouse is unlucky enough to be attractive, don't take the bait. It never works out. If you can't resist having an affair, end your marriage first. When you actually think about it, you'll probably find that you can't end your marriage and things will have gotten better.

20. Find ways to enrich your lives. Learn and do new things together. In good marriages the spouses are always changing, growing, and developing new interests. Make sure that some of these changes and new interests are shared jointly, so that you can spend good time together developing as people.

21. Spend time together with mutual friends. Outside friendships pursued by the couple jointly are very good for marital health. The outside friends can be single people, or other couples. It does not matter. The important part is that you and your spouse share these friendships together.

22. Forgive each other. If you hold grudges, you'll never get anywhere in marriage. Every spouse (even you!) makes mistakes and treats the other poorly at time. You must be able to forgive your spouse for the wrongs done to you and move on. Remember that the next time it may be you who needs to be forgiven. Marriage is very long. There are bound to be many bad things to happen between you. Do not hold onto these things. Forgive and move on.

23. Appreciate each other's contributions to the marital venture. Marriages often fail because of perceived differences in the level of contribution of each party. Try to appreciate the other person's contributions, whether financial or keeping the household together. Try not to impose your standards of how things should be accomplished on your spouse. Be appreciative of your spouse's efforts at all times.

24. Be secure in the fact that marriage is forever. Marriage is a safe container for people to work out all their personal issues. Because it does not end (except by death), a person can have the security that any mistakes, personality flaws, misspoken words, can be forgiven. There is something about the alchemy of two people with a "forever" commitment that helps people find peace and satisfaction in life.

25. Don't think that marriage is easy. One of the little-known but most important paradoxes about marriage is that it is an incubator for self-growth and self-awareness. This is a surprise to many, because marriage is supposed to be about the other person, or about the couple, or about "love". Take advantage of your chance to perfect your awareness and ability to enjoy life and relate well to other people. A good marriage will have this effect, and redound to your ability to function well in the world and live at your highest practical and spiritual level. Marriage is not easy. But it's worth it.

If you do all these things, and if, before you break up, you wait at least as long as you have been already married for roughs spots to work themselves out, you will have a long, happy marriage.

Quotes re: Divorce

2009-08-12T11:03:00.001-10:00

"Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the jerk crucified." - J.B. Handlesman

"Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left." - Jean Kerr

"If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?" - Unknown

"For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life." - Joyce Brothers

"An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce." - Ann Landers

"You never really know a man until you have divorced him." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table." - Jean Kerr

"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money." - Johnny Carson

Developing a Parenting Plan

2009-06-20T13:17:00.003-10:00

One of the most important tasks in divorce is the creation of an agreement that describes the custody and visitation arrangement between parents and their minor children. This agreement is called a "parenting plan." The Hawaii Family Court directs parents and their attorneys to consider each child's unique situation, including age, maturity, health needs, etc. The plan should consider both the existing schedules of the children and potential areas of conflict with schedules of parents. These are among the most difficult and challenging issues for parents to decide. Most couples truly want what is best for their children, but they too often get stuck in positions that are usually based on fear regarding the changes the children will be facing and fear regarding the changing dynamics between the parents and children.

Prior to the separation and divorce couples have an existing division of responsibilities with their children based on what it takes to make the household run. Post-divorce, one major change that occurs is that each parent assumes total responsibility for the children during their scheduled custodial time. This can be a challenge, especially for the parent who has previously been the primary caretaker.

One way to minimize conflicts is to use a "one month - twelve month" calendar. By taking the time to detail out a complete month's schedule, followed by a year long schedule, parents can anticipate potential problems before they become conflicts by developing a realistic view. The calendar should accurately portray the current commitments family members' work schedules, (including days and time), school schedules, extracurricular activities, holidays and rituals, and any other factors you can think of. Once you have a clear picture of the actual calendar, you may then begin to see a structure that makes sense in light of the schedule. The goal is to help parents avoid getting stuck in ideals rather than ideas.

The responsibilities each parent has will change once the children are being taken care of in two homes. The change will create both opportunities and challenges for parents. A thoughtful and detailed calendar can assist parents in identifying reasonable schedules. This in itself can be helpful in reducing the potential for future problems. Finally, there should be a plan to resolve inevitable, unforeseen conflicts. Flexibility is the fuel for a successful plan.

What to Tell Your Children About Your Pending Divorce

2009-05-16T16:19:00.003-10:00

One of the most typical questions asked by parents who are beginning the divorce process is, “What should we tell the children and how should we tell them?” Most parents, understandably, feel awful about having to tell their children about their pending divorce and how all their lives are going to be permanently changed. Such a task can generate tremendous pangs of guilt, sadness, and anger. Moreover, parents want to protect their children from the emotional pain of divorce, and want to protect their children from viewing themselves as the cause of the divorce.

In the midst of these difficult and confusing feelings, many parents do not even tell their children about the separation and divorce until days or even weeks after one of the parents has moved out of the house. However, not telling the children the truth in advance actually leaves them feeling betrayed and deceived by their parents. It also leaves them ill prepared for this major event of their lives. Child development experts agree that deceiving or withholding the truth about their parents’ separation and divorce does not protect children. Children always do better in hearing the truth than in hearing a lie or misleading information from a parent. It is not the parents’ job to protect their children from truth. Rather, parents should give accurate and truthful information, and then help their children deal with the feelings that are generated.

What to Tell the Children: The Mutual Story of the Divorce

In my many years of working with divorcing families, I’ve learned that one of the most important first steps that parents can take in preparing their children for the changes ahead is to develop, together, a “mutual story of the divorce,” and to tell it to their children together as a family at the same time. If instead, each parent, without conferring with the other, tells the children, separately and at separate times, why they are getting a divorce, then the children frequently will hear two different stories. And, because of the complexity of marital relationships, these two stories are often opposite, individualized versions of the couple’s truth. What the children typically report is some version of the following: “Mom first told me why they’re getting divorced, and then Dad, later, told me the opposite. That leaves me confused. One of them must be lying to me, but I’m not sure which one. Now, I don’t think I can trust either parent.”

Understandably, when parents divorce, each has his or her version of the reasons for the split-up. Moreover, each parent typically attributes the cause of the divorce to the other parent. Because marital separations tend to be very complex, multi-layered matters, with multiple contributing factors, both parents may be presenting accurate realities from their respective points of view. However, children believe that there can only be one truth about a given matter. The idea that there may be multiple truths is beyond the grasp of most children, since it requires a level of abstract thinking of which children are not yet capable (except, perhaps, for older teenagers). Thus, in order to help children come to terms with the fact of their parents’ divorce, it is most helpful for them to hear only one mutual and consistent story of why their parents split up.
The idea of telling your children the story of your divorce is rooted in the time-honored ritual of story telling--a tradition that goes back thousands of years. Children love stories. They typically loved to hear the story of your courtship and your marriage, as well as the story of their own birth and development. Most children ask to hear these stories over and over, throughout their childhood. Story telling is a very powerful ritual for bonding relationships and communities alike.

While the suggestion to utilize a bonding tradition during a divorce may seem odd, it is actually quite credible. From a child’s point of view, the best divorce is viewed not as the break-up of a family, but as the re-organization of the family unit across two households. Moreover, children are helped to process the divorce when their parents encourage them to bond with both parents within the reorganized family unit.
Children do not like hearing that one of their parents is the cause for the divorce and is responsible for the pain of everyone in the family. Children don’t like having a “bad” parent, but prefer to have two good parents. When the divorce is blamed on one of the parents, the children, in effect, are being persuaded to relinquish love for that parent, or, to feel confused and guilty about loving their “bad” parent and displeasing their “good” parent. If, however, both parents mutually take responsibility for the break-up, then their children are set free from being caught in the middle of a loyalty conflict.

When I ask parents to formulate a mutual story of their divorce, initially, many are unable. Most of us, when rejected by a person we love or once loved, tend to protect our self-esteem by blaming another for our failures. Certainly, divorce provides a golden opportunity to do this. However, when each parent resists and rises above this tendency for the sake of the children, the children are provided a chance for a better outcome.

In summary, parents should try to give their children a basic statement as to the reasons for the separation, while sparing them the adult details about the marital relationship. Even in the most difficult and painful cases of marital separation, if the parents really want to spare their children the pain of being caught in loyalty conflict, they will figure out a way to develop a mutual story of the divorce. This story should be one in which neither parent is a “bad guy,” and each parent can continue to develop a separate and loving relationship with the children. . The specific words used in the above examples of mutual stories are just models of what are possible to say. Use your own words to express these ideas, keeping the concept of mutuality of the decision as your main focus.

After offering the mutual story of divorce, then explain to them, in as much detail as possible, how their daily routines will proceed and the schedule for how they will be sharing time between their parents. If you aren’t sure of the final schedule for time-sharing of the children after the separation, reassure the children that you two will work out these details and will let them know just as soon as they are set in place.

HOW to Tell the Children:

Tell your children the truth about the separation and divorce in advance, whenever possible.
Both parents together should tell the children. If there is more than one child, it is generally better to tell the siblings together. This optimizes the support they will feel from each other and from the family meeting together to discuss this important news. The discussion should take place at a time that is distraction-free and at a place, such as home, that is familiar and comfortable.

Use words that are addressed to the specific developmental level of your child or to each of your children’s level of understanding. Talk to young children more slowly and with simple words and simple phrases. Talk to older children and adolescents in more adult ways.

Set aside enough time to answer any questions that the children may have about what is going to happen after the separation. Do not tell them right before you have a business meeting, a phone conference call, a hair appointment, or a soccer practice. Allow several hours of unplanned time after this discussion.
If parents work together in their divorce, even if they weren’t able to work together in their marriage, the children will benefit. Remember that even if the first wish of children of divorce (i.e. that Mom and Dad will get back together) can’t come true, their second wish (i.e. that Mom and Dad will cooperate with each other and not fight) can come true. That is up to you. Please make it happen, for the sake of your children. Begin with developing a mutual story of your divorce.

Nigerian Man to Divorce 82 of 86 Wives

2009-05-10T23:33:00.002-10:00

PST LAGOS, Nigeria (AP) - A Nigerian man with 86 wives has been ordered under an Islamic decree to divorce 82 of them, or face death under Sharia law. Mohammadu Bello Abubakar, 84, agreed only after the Jamatu Nasril Islam, Nigeria’s leading Islamic body, sentenced him to death for having more than 4 wives, which is allowable under Sharia law. The sentence was lifted only on the condition that he divorces the remaining wives, although he still faces eviction from his home.

Mr Abubakar had challenged Islamic scholars, saying there was no punishment stated in the Koran for having more than four wives. He argued that being forced to leave his wives would cause undue hardship: “All my wives are with children and some of these are people I have married and stayed with for over 30 years. How can they expect me to leave them within two days?”

At last count, Mr Abubakar was said to have somewhere over 170 children.

Family Court Cannot Eliminate Your Liability For Debt

2009-05-10T13:24:00.004-10:00

It’s an all-too-common scenario: you get divorced and your divorce decree says that your husband is supposed to pay your outstanding credit card bill, or that your wife has to repay a personal loan the two of you obtained during your marriage. Whether you agreed to that division of responsibilities or the court decided which of you should pay which bills, it’s a court order now, and ignoring it can bring legal sanctions.

Still, many people do ignore these orders, either intentionally or because financial circumstances don’t allow them to make the payments as planned. That’s typically when the other spouse gets a call from the credit card company or the bank demanding payment. Of course, most people aren’t troubled by the initial call; they simply explain that they’re no longer responsible for the debt. And then something happens that surprises most people. The credit card company or the bank tells them they’re wrong.

The next step is a call to the divorce lawyer. “Tell them I don’t have to pay this!” And that can bring another ugly surprise, because in the vast majority of cases the lawyer explains that the person IS still responsible for that debt.

When a married couple applies jointly for credit, both of them take on a legal obligation. When the parties divorce, the credit card company or the bank isn’t a party to the divorce. The creditor isn’t in the courtroom, and the Family Court does not have the authority to change the terms of the credit card/loan contract the couple entered into.

Thus, when the spouse who wasn’t ordered to pay the debt produces a copy of the divorce decree and says, “Look, I don’t have to pay this!” the creditor will likely say, “That has nothing to do with us,” and the creditor will continue to pursue the debt. The creditor may then submit the debt to a collections attorney if the debt remains unpaid. Worse yet, the debt will show up on both spouses’ credit reports as a collection item.

Thus, if you think your spouse may not pay a debt assigned to him or her, be sure to talk to your attorney about finding solutions that will protect your credit.

Divorcing? Don't Forget the Kids.

2009-05-09T23:55:00.001-10:00

When parents divorce, children are often unintended victims. Children will, understandably, be upset by their parents' decision to split, and they may suffer emotionally from the disruption in the home. When a child’s emotional health is not managed and nurtured, school performance may decline; the child may act out in various ways, or suffer from low self-esteem. Experts report children of divorce are more likely to perform poorly at school and suffer academically. They often get in trouble with police or school authorities for aggressive behavior and may become depressed. Additionally, children with divorced parents may have social problems and difficulties relating to others.

Older children of divorced parents may become sexually active at an earlier age, participate in delinquent activities and experiment with drugs. Divorce interrupts children’s lives and can shake their trust in adults. To prevent many of the problems children may experience during divorce, parents must recognize and address the stress the divorce is causing their children.

Some children may benefit from counseling with a professional who specializes in child psychology and the effects of divorce on children. However, parents can also do a lot to mitigate the damage by being respectful of the children’s need for stability.

Parents should avoid arguing in front of children and not involve them in any marital disputes. In many cases, divorcing parents can communicate through divorce lawyers and eliminate stress for them as well. Each parent should spend time with the child and provide reassurances that the parent-child relationship will not change, although the circumstances and schedule likely will.

Divorce by Text Message

2009-05-07T23:30:00.001-10:00

RIYADH (Reuters) – A Saudi man has divorced his wife by text message, a newspaper said Thursday. The man was in Iraq when he sent the SMS informing her she was no longer his spouse. He followed up with a telephone call to two of his relatives, the daily Arab News reported.

A court in the Red Sea city of Jeddah finalized the split -- the first known divorce in Saudi Arabia by text message -- after summoning the two relatives to check they had received word of the husband's intention, the paper said.

Saudi Arabia practices a strict form of Islamic Sharia law, and clerics preside over Sharia courts as judges. Under the law a man can divorce his wife by saying "I divorce you" three times.

The Saudi man was in Iraq to participate in "what he described as 'jihad'," according to the Arab News. Many Saudis have gone to fight with al Qaeda militants against the Iraqi government and U.S. forces.

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Do YOU have any odd divorce stories to share?

Child Support - Too high, too low, or just right?

2009-01-26T23:52:00.003-10:00

Regarding child support, I usually get the same complaints from the same people: the parent paying child support ("payor") usually complains that the amount of support is too high. The payor often argues that he/she can't afford the required amount because of other bills and financial obligations. On the other hand, the parent receiving the support usually complains that the amount is too low, often arguing that the support does not cover all of the child's or children's needs.

As you might or might not know, the amount of child support the payor must pay is not determined by the particular payor's ability to pay, or even by the particular child's or children's actual needs. Instead, the payor's child support obligation is determined by the Hawaii Child Support Guidelines - a state formula which calculates the payor's child support obligation based on general principles that apply to all parents. The formula considers the following: (1) each parent's gross income, meaning before taxes and other deductions; (2) actual monthly day care expenses, if any; and (3) the monthly premiums for the child's/children's health insurance. Except in unusual circumstances, that's it. The formula considers these figures and calculates the payor's child support obligation.

Once determined, the payor's obligation is fixed and, except in limited cases, cannot be modified by the Family Court. Accordingly, the Family Court is required to order the payor to pay the calculated amount, regardless of the payor's actual and demonstrated ability to pay, or the receiving parent's actual needs. Thus, even if the payor can prove that he/she cannot afford to pay the calculated amount, or even if the receiving parent can document the need for additional support, the Family Court cannot increase or reduce the calculated amount, except in rare circumstances which don't apply to most parents.

Payors who do not pay the calculated amount can be sanctioned by the Family Court, and are additionally subject to administrative sanctions imposed by the Child Support Enforcement Agency, including the suspension of the payor's driver's license and passport, etc. The CSEA can also take steps to involuntarily collect child support, including wage garnishments and the interception of the payor's income tax refunds.

If you have experience either as the payor or receiving parent, please feel free to weigh in on this topic. Is the child support amount set by the Hawaii Child Support Guidelines too high, too low, or the appropriate amount?

Divorce - Contested v. Uncontested

2009-01-18T18:44:00.005-10:00

If you are divorcing, your divorce will be either "uncontested" or "contested." Your divorce will be uncontested if you and your spouse agree on each and every relevant issue, such as who will have custody of the children, how you will divide your assets and debts, whether one spouse will pay alimony to the other, etc. If you and your spouse disagree on any relevant issue, your divorce will be contested. Ideally, you will want your divorce to be uncontested for several reasons:

1. An uncontested divorce can be final within 6-8 weeks; a contested divorce can last a year or longer.

2. You will not have to appear at any court proceedings in an uncontested divorce, whereas you will have to attend several court proceedings if the divorce is contested.

3. A contested divorce will cost thousands of dollars more than an uncontested divorce.

4. In an uncontested divorce, the parties generally leave the relationship on amicable terms since their divorce is based on an agreement they reached together, and is not the product of a judgment issued against them by a Family Court judge.

5. A contested divorce will be harder on the children, as they will be subjected to the stress and strain of the prolonged litigation. Even though you'll surely do your best to avoid involving the children in the dispute with your spouse, the children will certainly be aware of the struggle between the two of you, and they'll feel caught between Mom and Dad. This could irreparably damage the children's relationship with one parent or both, and it may cause emotional scars that the children will carry into adulthood. Sadly, there are many instances of children who turned to drugs, alcohol, and even self-harm because they could not cope with the emotional damage caused by their divorcing parents. Thus, the sooner the struggle ends, and the more amicable the dissolution of the marriage, the easier it will be on the children.

The two keys to obtaining an uncontested divorce are working in good faith with your spouse and being open to compromise. You should determine what you need - as opposed to what you want - and then be willing to compromise on the issues that are important to your spouse but less important to you. You should expect your spouse to be similarly willing to compromise on the issues that are important to you. Usually, each party mentally assesses the value of each issue, ranking the issues in a hierarchy of importance, and often each party's hierarchy varies from the other's. For example, it may be very important to you to keep the family dog, while it might be more important to your spouse to keep the plasma TV. Thus, it would be a prudent compromise to divide the property accordingly.

Most contested divorces become uncontested at some point, usually because the parties eventually exhaust their financial and emotional capabilities to continue fighting. In a fully contested divorce, nobody wins, regardless of the outcome of the trial. The Family Court judge may award you what you're seeking, but it may feel like a hollow victory considering the legal and emotional costs incurred.

Please feel free to call us for a free legal analysis of your case. We are committed to helping you obtain an uncontested divorce under terms that are fair to you and that provide to you the necessary resources to start the next phase of your life. If, despite your best efforts to work in good faith with your spouse, an uncontested divorce is not possible, we will fight aggressisvely for you to ensure that you receive everything you need and are entitled to under the law.